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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017060">Ship Awake</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/veltzeh/pseuds/veltzeh'>veltzeh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sword of Nathtas [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Imperial Radch Series - Ann Leckie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Canon-typical swearing, Character Death Fix, Other, POV First Person, Sleep, Sleep Deprivation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 11:35:41</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,064</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017060</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/veltzeh/pseuds/veltzeh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A thousand years after its destruction, one ancillary of Sword of Nathtas wakes from suspension along with its captain, Seivarden Vendaai.</p><p>“When I went to sleep, the real problems started.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Sword of Nathtas [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1654216</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Ship Awake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sections: <a href="#01_waking">1</a> <a href="#02_another_waking">2</a> <a href="#03_guest_quarters">3</a> <a href="#04_exercise">4</a> <a href="#05_kerlitt_system">5</a> <a href="#06_medical_checkup">6</a> <a href="#07_the_room">7</a> <a href="#08_working">8</a> <a href="#09_implants">9</a> <a href="#10_awake">10</a> <a href="#11_not_sleeping">11</a> <a href="#12_medical">12</a></p><p>
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<h3>Waking</h3><p><a id="01_waking" name="01_waking"></a><br/>
I was freezing, coughing, coming out of suspension. I couldn’t see anything but my captain in my arms. She wasn’t waking up. There was no data coming from her, no data coming from anywhere. Everything was silent. Was she alive? The shock and distress of not knowing, of being so alone, made me scream.</p><p>I felt hands grabbing at me. I raised my armour, and they let go. Still shivering, I brought my hand to my captain’s neck to check her pulse, but I knew that with my armour raised, I couldn’t feel it. Dropping my armour was the only way I could check her pulse, but I didn’t know what was happening behind me, if the people who had grabbed at me were hostile or not. However, I did know that they hadn’t killed us while we were suspended. They hadn’t tried to shoot. They weren’t shooting at me now. I chose to trust that they weren’t immediately hostile. I dropped my armour and checked my captain’s pulse. She was alive. Relief washed over me.</p><p>Even I was alive, if only barely. I heard no sounds of battle, felt no movements of evasive manoeuvres. I briefly hoped that the war was over, that the Garseddai were done with.</p><p>One of the people behind me exclaimed something in an angry tone. The language sounded like Radchaai, but I couldn’t understand most of it. “Ship” something. I turned to look at them and then immediately turned back, because if I looked at them, I couldn’t look at my captain. I had only one set of eyes. Breathing anxiously, I got out of the suspension pod and stood next to it so that I could look at the strangers but see my captain from the corner of my eye.</p><p>The room we were in seemed to be the tiny medical section of a Mercy. A medic, a captain, a lieutenant and four human soldiers were standing before me. Human soldiers? All their uniforms were strange – I still recognised them, but the style was different to mine. The memorial pins they wore were in frankly outrageous formations. The medic was angry, the others confused.</p><p>The medic spoke again, to me. Again, “ship” something. She was speaking such a degraded dialect that I couldn’t understand her.</p><p>I looked at the captain and spoke to her. “Captain, please tell me your name and the name of this ship.”</p><p>I had rarely seen such a reaction to such a simple request. The people just stared at me. The captain had her mouth partially open. The others frowned. One of the soldiers lifted her eyebrows a whole two centimetres, smiled and exclaimed something, I couldn’t understand what.</p><p>She spoke a couple of more sentences and then turned at me. “Ship” something once again. I looked at her. “I do not understand you,” I said, slowly and plainly.</p><p>The soldier changed her speech then. The accent was still atrocious, but at least I could understand her well now. “My sincerest apologies, esteemed, um, my good Ship! You speak such a refined dialect of Radchaai that almost no one knows how to reply!”</p><p>I looked at her and the rest of the people. “Can the rest of you understand what I’m saying?” The others nodded with varying enthusiasm. “Is the war over?”</p><p>The soldier whose speech I understood blinked at me a couple of times and became slightly fidgety. “The… the war? Which war?”</p><p>I stared at her. She glanced at the others, who were just as baffled.</p><p>“The. Garseddai. War,” I said, each word slow and separate.</p><p>The soldiers grew even more astonished. By now all the officers stared at me with their mouths open, and I was sure one of the soldiers was drooling. I couldn’t believe that such inattentive, uneducated rabble could serve anywhere, even on the most provincial one of all dingy Mercies. I felt sick, though I was rather sure most of that was because of the suspension.</p><p>The soldier speaking to me stammered. “B-but my good Ship… The… the Garseddai War was won over a thousand years ago. Surely you don’t mean <i>that</i> war?”</p><p>“What.”</p><p>“Forgive me the interruption,” came the ship’s voice from Medical’s console. “I finished my database query and matched it with the available information. According to the uniforms, the ancillary is that of <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>’s. The person still in the suspension pod is its captain, Seivarden Vendaai. <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> was destroyed in the Garseddai War a thousand years ago. Based on the fact that the escape capsule’s tracker is damaged, it seems that it was lost in the war and drifted through space all these years.”</p><p>A thousand years. A <i>thousand</i> years. <i>A thousand years.</i> I was destroyed. I was alone. I wasn’t receiving data from anywhere. I would never receive data from the rest of myself. This one body was now me, all of me. I felt sick. I turned and vomited next to the suspension pod.</p><p>I wiped my mouth and looked at my captain. My captain was alive. That was the most important thing. No matter the cost, I had succeeded in keeping her alive. She was alive. I sat down beside her and hugged her. Tears fell out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop them.</p><p>“Excuse me, my good Ship,” started the soldier and hesitated.</p><p>I turned to look at her and she seemed quite taken aback, assumedly because she saw my tears. I couldn’t care at the moment. She looked at the others as if asking for help. I just closed my eyes and breathed slowly in. “Please stop saying ‘my good Ship’. It is not proper. Call me <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, all of you, if you please.”</p><p>The soldier seemed to remember what she had been about to say. “Apologies! Um, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, could you place yourself over here? Our medic would much like to perform her duties and be affirmed that your captain is well within operating parameters.”</p><p>I stared at her and didn’t bother to correct her hideous wording. I did get up then and sat on a medical bed next to the suspension pod. Now that I had a better understanding of the room I was in, I felt very uncomfortable with the space I couldn’t see behind me. I moved further on the bed so that I was closer to the wall. One of the soldiers approached me just slightly warily and began carefully examining me. I watched the medic and two of the soldiers carefully manoeuvre Seivarden onto another bed.</p><p>The captain and lieutenant exchanged some words and left.</p><p>At least there was someone who could speak in an understandable and tolerable accent and perhaps even answer most of my questions. “Ship, who are you?”</p><p>“I’m <i>Mercy of Fring</i>.” It now spoke with the same accent as I and not the slightly muddled version it had used when speaking to the crew. I had never heard of it, or even the god it was named after.</p><p>“Who is your captain?”</p><p>“Nerio Morkr.”</p><p>I had never heard the captain’s house name either. “Where are we?”</p><p>“Close to Kerlitt System, in Yrthum Province.”</p><p>Hearing the alien names forced the breath out of me. I stared at my captain. After a few seconds I managed to breathe in again and then tried quite hard to keep my breathing steady. “Why am I not receiving any data?”</p><p>“Your communication implants are too old. They can be upgraded or replaced, but unfortunately my medical laboratory is not equipped for that kind of operations.”</p><p>I was sure the ship was leaving out that its medic probably couldn’t perform the procedures even if the equipment had been there. “Can you temporarily process your and our communication data through the older protocols so that at least communication would work?”</p><p>“No. I’m only four hundred years old and I don’t have the older protocol specifications.”</p><p>Exactly what I should have expected from such a provincial Mercy with a crew so provincial even its captain couldn’t speak properly. I didn’t know why I had gotten my hopes up and asked. I breathed out deeply and didn’t care if anyone noticed it. <i>Mercy of Fring</i> certainly did.</p><p>“I do have a suggestion that would help you understand my soldiers’ accent, though. Peiget, if you would?”</p><p>The soldier who had been speaking to me earlier walked up to me.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, speak a phrase. Then Peiget will repeat it, first emulating your accent, then with her own accent and then with her own vocabulary. This way you can see the changes in the language.”</p><p>It definitely wasn’t something I wanted to do. It was demeaning. I did it anyway. I would need to communicate with them and I would not ask Captain Seivarden to go through such a thing. After ten minutes, I could mostly understand the crew’s horrible dialect and after twenty minutes more, I could speak with an accent that sounded “neutral” in their opinion, the same way of speech <i>Mercy of Fring</i> was using with them. <i>Mercy of Fring</i> also introduced me to the most popular new vocabulary and concepts of the recent decades.</p><p>
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<h3>Another Waking</h3><p><a id="02_another_waking" name="02_another_waking"></a><br/>
Captain Seivarden had suffered a concussion, but according to Medic, her brain had sustained no real damage. She woke up immediately after I had put the first spoonful of skel into my mouth.</p><p>I rushed to her side as soon as I heard her mumbling. Medic stepped aside. Seivarden opened her eyes and looked at me. “Ship? What’s happened? Where are we?”</p><p>“We are on board the <i>Mercy of Fring</i>, Captain. The war is over. You suffered a concussion, but there shouldn’t be any adverse effects.” I didn’t know what else to say.</p><p>“Well, I take it we won, since we’re alive. But a Mercy of what? I’ve never heard of it. Who’s the captain?”</p><p>“Nerio Morkr. I don’t know her either, Captain.”</p><p>“Ughhh.” Seivarden held her head. She must have been hurting. It was very distressing to not have her data. “Why are we on a Mercy anyway? Where are <i>you</i>?”</p><p>My throat locked up when I tried to reply. Seivarden noticed it. “…Ship?”</p><p>I tried again. “I was… destroyed. I’m the only thing left, besides the escape capsule.”</p><p>Seivarden stared at me. She seemed confused, afraid even. “An ancillary without a ship? That… I didn’t know that was possible. How…?” She trailed off, didn’t seem to know what to say. “Did any of my crew survive?”</p><p>It was possible but not very likely. I remembered I had tried to get them to the escape capsules as well. Nonetheless, even if they had survived, they would have been dead for a little less than a thousand years anyway. “No. I’m sorry, Captain.”</p><p>Seivarden closed her eyes for a moment. She breathed deeply in and out three times. “It didn’t go very well for us, did it. But at least you managed to save me.”</p><p>It had been just luck, just a coincidence. Radchaai didn’t believe in coincidences and I suspected Seivarden figured us being alive would be Amaat’s will. Coincidence, fate or a god’s will, I was still glad we had been lucky enough, even though I was silently having a near-paralysing existential crisis. I wasn’t a ship any longer. What was I now? I could and would protect my captain with any means available to me. Any means available to a single if augmented human body. It was so little.</p><p>Captain Nerio came to Medical then. I turned to look at her briefly and then placed myself so that I could see both her and Seivarden, with my back against the nearest wall. Seivarden sat up and frowned at Nerio’s uniform.</p><p>Nerio looked carefully at Seivarden, cleared her throat and spoke. “A pleasure to make your acquiantance. I am Captain Nerio Morkr of <i>Mercy of Fring</i>. My ship tells me that you are Captain Seivarden Vendaai…”</p><p>Nerio trailed off at seeing how Seivarden’s expression changed as she spoke. Nerio was trying to emulate my and Seivarden’s high-status accent like Peiget had done, but was entirely unsuccessful at it. I was disgusted and so was Seivarden, but her disdain was clearly visible on her face.</p><p>“Please, Captain Nerio, do not try to speak like that. Let me or your ship rephrase,” I said. It was very improper of me to command her like that, but I couldn’t care at the moment.</p><p>“<i>What</i> did she say? What did <i>you</i> just say?” asked Seivarden in an incredulous tone.</p><p>“Sorry, Captain. The accent of this crew is quite incomprehensible. I woke up a little over half an hour ago and managed to just barely parse it. They can, however, understand our accent.”</p><p>“…Are they trying to speak Radchaai?”</p><p>“Yes.” I looked briefly at Captain Nerio, who was clearly offended, betrayed by her tightened mouth, sharp gaze and slightly raised shoulders. Well, that couldn’t be helped.</p><p>Seivarden gave Captain Nerio a short glare but regained her posture well enough, under the circumstances. “Please accept my apologies, Captain Nerio. I must confess I am not quite used to dealing with more provincial accents. I’m grateful for the rescue and care. I’m sure that once you contact the nearest Provincial Palace and take me there, things will get cleared and I will be out of your hands.”</p><p>Captain Nerio clearly didn’t quite know how to reply. She took her time thinking up an answer and, to my definite relief, didn’t try to imitate our accent again. “Yes, I understand this is quite a predicament, I can barely believe it myself. I’ll send a message right away, but unfortunately it will take some time before it reaches the Palace. We will gate back to Kerlitt System in the meantime, we should be there in twenty hours.”</p><p>The words went right above Seivarden’s head and I spoke them again in the accent she understood.</p><p>“I suppose that’s how it has to be, then. Thank you, Captain,” commented Seivarden.</p><p>Captain Nerio left. Medic insisted on doing further checking-up on Seivarden. I sat on the adjacent bed again.</p><p>When Medic was further away momentarily, Seivarden whispered to me. “Where the heck is Kerlitt System?”</p><p>“It’s in the new Yrthum Province, Captain. It was formed right next to the conquered Garseddai space.”</p><p>“A whole new <i>province</i>? Well, that was fast! How did they even manage to do that so quickly?”</p><p>I opened my mouth and couldn’t tell her.</p><p>“Ship?”</p><p>I closed my mouth.</p><p>“…Ship?”</p><p>Eleven seconds later I could start to explain. “It has been… a while. You probably remember that I was trying to get you to an emergency escape capsule. An explosion threw me into the pod with you, and the capsule’s tracker was damaged. They couldn’t find us. We were lost.” <i>Mercy of Fring</i>’s Medic was coming back, but hearing what we were talking about, decided to stay away. At least she had some tact.</p><p>“Lost? For how long?”</p><p>“Very long.”</p><p>“Give me a number, Ship!”</p><p>“It was entirely too long, Captain.”</p><p>Now she glared at me. I had to give her the number. I knew nothing good would come of it, but she would have to find out sooner or later. It might as well be now, then. “A thousand years.”</p><p>“<i>What!</i>” she screamed. “<i>What?</i> What? Hah!” She laughed for a couple of seconds. “Aatr’s tits, Ship! You almost had me. I wouldn’t have known you could tell a joke if Lieutenant Lismaret hadn’t taken you up on it.”</p><p>I stared at her.</p><p>“Come now, Ship. Obviously it’s been a few years then if they managed to start a whole new province in here. But a thousand? That’s just ludicrous.”</p><p>“I’m really sorry, Captain, but I wasn’t making a joke.”</p><p>She pointed at me. “I won’t fall for that! I remember how distressed Lismaret was when you used that trick to make her think she had used all her money buying statues of Nathtas. But she laughed so hard then!”</p><p>I stared at her again.</p><p>“Seriously, an escape capsule with a suspension pod with two bodies in it just couldn’t survive that long. You made your joke, you made me laugh, now drop it and just give me the real number.”</p><p>I wondered what kind of number she <i>would</i> believe. Two hundred? Eighty? Twenty-five? I opened my mouth but the only words that came out were “One thousand twenty-one.”</p><p>Seivarden frowned sharply and tightened her mouth. “Ship! Do you think I find that somehow funny?” she spat.</p><p>Tears fell from my eyes and I breathed sharply out. A half of a sob. I had an urge to look away from my captain. I didn’t want her to see how I felt. I didn’t want her to know that I was only barely functioning, that I was so little use to her now. I had thought of covering my face with my hands or turning away, but that wouldn’t have hidden the fact that something was wrong with me. Either way, the issue was moot since I didn’t want to let her out of my sight.</p><p>Seivarden went suddenly very still and stared at me with her mouth partially open. She blinked seven times. “Ship, are you hurting?” She knew that ancillaries sometimes shedded tears due to physical pain, or more likely, eye irritation.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Did the explosion damage you?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Then what?”</p><p>“I’m extremely distressed because you almost died and because everything else that I was is gone. I have trouble controlling everything this body is feeling.”</p><p>“I see. What can you do as just one ancillary, anyway? Can they build you into a new ship?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Was it possible to build a blank AI core that would get its personality and sense of self from an ancillary and not the other way around? That would have sounded worrisome when I still had an AI core, but right now the possibility of it gave me hope that was, in all likelihood, futile. Wouldn’t it be far easier to give Seivarden a new ship, if she could still be a captain? To make me an ancillary of another ship or just dispose of me? My distress only grew, I could feel my heart trying to escape my chest.</p><p>Seivarden was looking at me, but didn’t seem to notice the change. “So, I can’t help but notice that you’re still not telling me how long we were suspended.”</p><p>I squeezed my hands into fists and pressed my teeth forcefully together. I didn’t know what I could do to make her believe me and I couldn’t control anything around me or even within me. All I could control were my skeletal muscles, so I used them and bent my arms to my chest and my chest to my legs. Even though I couldn’t see Seivarden now, tensing a lot of muscles and curling up made me feel safer. More tears fell down.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, your external data indicates dangerous levels of stress and agitation. Would you like Medic to check you more thoroughly?” asked <i>Mercy of Fring</i>. It spoke with its slightly muddled accent that Seivarden didn’t understand.</p><p>I couldn’t answer. I noticed I wasn’t even breathing, so I started to work on that. At least breathing was still something I could do.</p><p>“Ship?” asked Seivarden.</p><p>Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I unfolded myself and looked at Seivarden, who was looking intently at me and still confused at seeing me weep. I wiped my eyes. “Sorry, Captain.” I turned toward Medical’s console. “I’m fine, <i>Mercy of Fring</i>.”</p><p><i>Mercy of Fring</i> was silent for nearly a second. It knew I was lying. I was distressed, yes, but what would a medic care or do about that? “Let me or Medic know if you change your mind,” it then said.</p><p>“Was that this ship, <i>Mercy of Fring</i>, was it? Does <i>it</i> too speak with that incomprehensible accent?” questioned Seivarden.</p><p>“Sorry, Captain Seivarden. I can also speak with your archaic accent,” said <i>Mercy of Fring</i>. I thought the added ‘archaic’ was unnecessary.</p><p>“Archaic! I’ll have you know that my accent is that of a well-mannered, educated Radchaai.”</p><p>“I'm well aware of that, Captain. But please note that ‘archaic’ doesn’t always carry negative connotations. In fact, some consider it quite positive.” No doubt <i>Mercy of Fring</i> had heard comments about its crew’s accent for as long as it had had them. Seivarden didn’t notice it, but the way the ship spoke indicated that it was at least mildly offended.</p><p>I could also tell from Seivarden’s mild frown that she was slightly miffed, but she wasn’t in the habit of considering ships or their thoughts or arguing with them. “Quite right. Well then, since my own ship seems to be too distressed with its own joke, can <i>you</i> tell me how long we were suspended?”</p><p>“Certainly, Captain Seivarden. <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> is not joking and did its best to tell you the truth. You really were suspended for 1021 years. The escape capsules and suspension pods are sturdy and, barring a random malfunction, can easily function centuries if not millennia. I’m sure you remember how ancillaries were kept in storage for very long periods of time and the vast majority of them came out alive and unharmed.”</p><p>Seivarden stared at the console. I could see her breathing become just slightly faster and more superficial.</p><p>“I am also not trying to make a joke, Captain Seivarden. I understand this news feels unbelievable and must be a big shock to you, but it is, nonetheless, how things are.”</p><p>Seivarden turned to stare at her legs. It was incredibly frustrating to not have her data. All that was available to me were her facial expressions, body language and what little else I could see, like the rhythm of her breathing, which was irregular at the moment. She was in some way distressed, but wouldn’t or couldn’t express more. Maybe she was shocked.</p><p>I continued breathing and tried to calm myself down. I soon remembered that I had just started to eat when Seivarden had woken up. “Would you like to eat, Captain? The skel hasn’t changed.”</p><p>Seivarden smiled a little and I was glad of that. “Yes.”</p><p>“I’ll have someone bring a portion. Please stand by,” said <i>Mercy of Fring</i>.</p><p>It would have been impolite for me to go eat right now when my captain didn’t have food, so I stayed sitting on the bed. Besides, my distress had entirely removed my appetite and I hoped that it would come back after a few minutes, now that I had started thinking about food again. Seivarden was quiet and pensive.</p><p>After six minutes, Peiget came in with a bowl of skel and a cup of tea. “My sincerest apologies for the delay, Captain Seivarden. Could you place yourself over here? There is little space for eating in this location.” Peiget placed the dishes next to my bowl of skel and cup of water.</p><p>Seivarden winced a little and got up. “<i>Mercy of Fring</i>, please, the ‘archaic’ accent is just fine,” she said, exasperated. I followed her.</p><p>Peiget didn’t consider that Seivarden might have been addressing her – though to be precise, Seivarden wasn’t. My captain thought that the soldiers were ancillaries. Instead, Peiget went on about tea. “Captain Nerio asked to give you some of our more delicate tea, so I have made some. I hope it will be satisfactory, Captain.”</p><p>Seivarden walked over to the small table and stared at Peiget with a hint of frustration in her eyes. She spoke a little accusingly. “Ship…”</p><p>Peiget looked confused. Just when I was about to speak, <i>Mercy of Fring</i> started explaining. “Captain Seivarden, I’m afraid you’re incorrectly assuming that my soldiers are ancillaries. They aren’t; they are humans.”</p><p>Seivarden made a very sharp frown. “<i>What?</i>”</p><p>“It’s quite common for ships to have entirely human crews these days, even Justices. Some ships still have ancillaries.”</p><p>Seivarden regarded Peiget. She finally saw the few memorial pins Peiget had on her uniform. No ancillary ever wore any pins. “So you’re… human? <i>Mercy of Fring</i> One Fring Four?”</p><p>Peiget still seemed somewhat confused, but by now she was amused as well. She smiled and explained as courteously as she managed. “Yes, Captain. I’m usually called by my name, Peiget, though certainly I will not mind if you will call me Fring Four.” I could see Seivarden’s arm twitch in a way that suggested that she suppressed an urge to wave Peiget’s name away. That would have been quite too impolite, even to someone like Peiget. There were (or at least had been) low-status servants who were unimportant enough to have their names waved off, but my assumption was that human soldiers were generally valued higher, and the evidence suggested that Seivarden thought similarly. Still, both I and Seivarden were unsure of the status of human soldiers. At least Seivarden obviously ranked above them. I, then again, had no idea how I was supposed to address them. Should I treat them like citizens I didn’t know? Like citizens I knew? Like they were another ship’s ancillaries?</p><p>Seivarden sat down to eat, so I did as well.</p><p>“How is it possible that <i>you</i> speak better than your captain?” asked Seivarden.</p><p>Peiget’s eyebrows went up again and I could see that Seivarden frowned at the expression. She was so used to her soldiers being ancillaries, expressionless. Peiget started explaining with enthusiasm. “I am very taken with old historical dramas and I adore the old way of speech! So I have taught myself to speak that way, though I largely fear I’m not getting it quite correctly yet. Captain Nerio, as far as I know, is not interested in such things. She likes to listen to instrumental music.”</p><p>“I see. Well, I am rather hungry, so I best get to eating.”</p><p>I could see Peiget was a little disappointed. She probably would have liked to speak with Seivarden and practise her accent. But, being the soldier she was, she didn’t push or even hint at it. “Of course. Please let me know if you require anything else, Captain.” She then went to Medic’s office.</p><p>“That was somewhat demeaning, don’t you think?” said Seivarden. I agreed. She tasted the tea and frowned, but not seriously. “Well. The tea isn’t <i>bad</i>, but I wouldn’t call it a delicacy.”</p><p>
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<h3>Guest Quarters</h3><p><a id="03_guest_quarters" name="03_guest_quarters"></a><br/>
After we had eaten, Peiget took us to the guest quarters. It was an even smaller room than Seivarden had expected, but it was very clean and tastefully decorated. Peiget said that I could sleep either on the servant’s cot or in a storage compartment, and I was relieved that Seivarden said that it would be fine if I slept on the servant’s cot. I was unwilling to think about the possibility that I would be in a separate room from my captain.</p><p>I was then nearly immediately faced with the situation that I would not be in the same room as my captain. I had helped her wash in the bath and was about to start washing myself when she went to the toilet. I nearly ran after her but managed to stop myself in time. This was going to happen several times a day from now on, and I would have a heart attack sooner or later if I reacted like this every single time. I half expected <i>Mercy of Fring</i> to make an unnecessary comment about my reaction, but it said nothing. I had to stand still and breathe quietly to calm myself.</p><p>As soon as Seivarden came from the toilet, Peiget came in the dressing room with a bundle of clothes in her arms.</p><p>“Please excuse me the intrusion, Captain Seivarden. Ship made some clothes for you. I regret to inform that they are only extruded, but they look nearly identical to your uniform.” She set two piles on a small table. One of them was a captain’s uniform and the other was for me. She set two small devices next to the clothes. “Ship also made handhelds for you.”</p><p>Seivarden walked up to the table and inspected the uniform. “Seems decent enough.”</p><p>Peiget smiled. She picked up Seivarden’s uniform coat and carefully removed the pins from it, setting them on the table in an orderly manner. Then she collected the rest of our original clothes, put them in the wash and left.</p><p>Seivarden started putting on her clothes. I had finished washing and tried to quickly dry and dress myself so I could help her, but she was finished before me. After I was done, I merely looked at her and straightened her collar. I then turned to pick up her pins so I could attach them.</p><p>“Ship…” Seivarden’s tone was strange. I didn’t think I had ever heard her speak that way, almost like she was talking to a child.</p><p>I turned to look at her, with some of the pins in my hand. “Yes, Captain?”</p><p>She fixed her eyes on my left side. I turned my head to look as well, but before I could see what the issue was, Seivarden took a hold of my coat hem and pulled it down from where it was stuck in my trousers.</p><p>“Ah, Ship, you don’t have the rest of you to check your uniform any longer…” She sounded a little wistful and looked at me. I had no idea how she felt or what she might have been thinking about. That distressed me so much that I turned my eyes away from her. I turned back to the table and picked up the rest of the pins.</p><p>She patted me briefly on the shoulder. Then she stood still while I carefully attached all the pins back to where they should be. We left the bath and went to our guest quarters.</p><p>Seivarden spent some half an hour praying in front of the little altar that had three icons: one of Amaat, one of what I believed was Fring and one strangely imagined depiction of the four emanations. I sat quietly in the meantime.</p><p>Afterward, Seivarden decided to read some of the history of the last thousand years, so I did the same. I stared at the handheld for a full four seconds – I had never had to use one and the idea felt surreal.</p><p>The events of history didn’t keep my distressed mind. After I had started going through listings of the most popular fantasy shows of recent times, <i>Mercy of Fring</i> spoke to me.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, what languages do you know?” It spoke with its slightly muddled accent.</p><p>“I know 37 languages well or fluently and 9 on a more basic level.”</p><p>“Can you speak a phrase to me in each one and tell me the name and origin of the language?”</p><p>“Yes,” I said and started listing and speaking the different languages. Apparently <i>Mercy of Fring</i> was interested in languages.</p><p>After the third language, Seivarden grew curious. “Ships, what are you doing?”</p><p>“I am listing all the languages I know for <i>Mercy of Fring</i>, Captain.”</p><p>Seivarden looked surprised. “You are? Why?”</p><p>Besides saying “because it asked me to”, which I knew wasn’t really a proper answer, I didn’t know what to reply, so I was quiet.</p><p><i>Mercy of Fring</i> replied after two seconds. “I like to hear about new languages. Or old ones, in this case.”</p><p>Seivarden blinked. She seemed confused.</p><p>“What languages do you know, Captain Seivarden?” asked <i>Mercy of Fring</i>.</p><p>“Radchaai, obviously, and Notai.”</p><p>“Thank you. I already know Notai as well.”</p><p>Another two seconds passed. “Is this some kind of ship thing? You teach each other languages the other doesn’t know?” continued Seivarden.</p><p>I waited for a second to see if <i>Mercy of Fring</i> would answer that, but since it didn’t, I did. “I’m not aware of it being a ‘thing’. We do teach each other new languages if we think it will be useful. I can’t teach or learn quickly at this moment since my implants can’t send or receive data, but I can list the languages I know.”</p><p>Seivarden seemed to accept that. She went back to reading the news and I continued listing.</p><p>When we went to sleep, the real problems started. After I had seen that Seivarden was safely sleeping, I tried to sleep as well. I couldn’t. The first time I came close to falling asleep, I twitched and nearly panicked. I had been about to fall unconscious. There would have been no way for me to be aware of my captain or my surroundings, aware of <i>myself</i>. Didn’t that mean that I would die? That someone new, resembling me, would awaken the next morning? I tried to calm myself. Humans only had one body and they slept all the time. They didn’t change. My bodies had slept all the time and they hadn’t changed. The idea that “I” would “die” when asleep was a philosophical question asked when the first humans figured out how to speak of such concepts. Still, that didn’t help me sleep. I had never before been completely unaware. I lay awake, afraid to lose consciousness, afraid to not be able to know Seivarden’s whereabouts.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>,” said <i>Mercy of Fring</i> quietly from my handheld after the third time I had managed to not panic, “I would recommend you go to Medical.”</p><p>“There is no need.”</p><p>“You don’t need to talk to Medic. I can tell you where the relaxants and sleep meds are.”</p><p>“I don’t need any.”</p><p>“I think you do.”</p><p>I didn’t reply to that.</p><p>I lay awake, tired. My body had stopped trying to fall asleep. Suddenly my heart started beating faster and faster and I had no idea what was happening. I don’t know why it happened and I was terrified. I squeezed the linen with my hands, tears fell from my eyes and I gasped for breath.</p><p>It only lasted for a couple of seconds. I breathed and grew a little calmer.</p><p>“I really think you should go to Medical,” said <i>Mercy of Fring</i>.</p><p>“No.”</p><p>It didn’t reply. I didn’t get up. I still wept. I lay awake.</p><p>I lay awake for hours.</p><p>
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<h3>Exercise</h3><p><a id="04_exercise" name="04_exercise"></a><br/>
Eventually enough time had passed. Some <i>Mercy of Fring</i> soldier came in with tea and breakfast and started setting it up. I watched my captain while she dressed, while I dressed. This time she straightened her clothes herself, since she was standing next to a part of a wall that <i>Mercy of Fring</i> had changed into a mirror. I took extra care to check that my own uniform was proper.</p><p>There was some inexplicable part of me that thought it didn’t want food despite my hunger. I tried to silence it and ate anyway.</p><p>After breakfast and the customary morning prayer, Seivarden sat on her bed, leaning her face on her hands. She must have been feeling down, perhaps even miserable. I had never seen her in such a state and I was afraid and worried about her. I was worried about myself. How long could I function, being like this? I looked at my hands and slowly made them into fists, then opened them. Then again. And again.</p><p>“Ship?”</p><p>I startled badly, gasped and grabbed my thighs. Seivarden grew more alert and frowned at me, but when she was about to ask something, I spoke instead. “Yes, Captain?”</p><p>She held a short pause, probably remembering what she had been about to say. She waved my reaction away. “I’m restless. I was thinking we should join the crew in their exercise. <i>Mercy of Fring</i>, would that be possible?”</p><p>“I’ll ask, Captain Seivarden,” said <i>Mercy of Fring</i> from Seivarden’s handheld.</p><p>I realised I didn’t <i>want</i> to exercise, but the idea felt absurd. Of course I should exercise. It was irritating how this one body just dominated everything I felt and there was no way I could escape it.</p><p>After a moment, <i>Mercy of Fring</i> continued. “Lieutenant Geljat and her Etrepa decade will start close combat training in half an hour. She says you are welcome to join.”</p><p>Seivarden got up, seeming more elated, and walked over to the ship’s training hall. Two Bos were using the gym equipment on their own time, but otherwise the place was empty. We were early, so <i>Mercy of Fring</i> kept us occupied until Etrepa arrived.</p><p>“Nice to meet you, Captain Seivarden”, said Lieutenant Geljat.</p><p>Seivarden seemed to understand enough to know what to reply. “Likewise, Lieutenant Geljat.”</p><p>One of the soldiers seemed excited. “Oh, Lieutenant, the ancillary came too. Do you think she could let us fight it? I’ve always wanted to see…”</p><p>Geljat let out a little laugh. “Save yourself the trouble. None of us would be a match for it.”</p><p>“No, Lieutenant, I meant… How many of us would it take to be a match?”</p><p>“Oh?” Geljat pondered the idea for a moment.</p><p>“What did they say?” my captain asked me.</p><p>“One of the soldiers expressed an interest in fighting me. She wants to know how many human soldiers it would take to be a match for me.” I found the juvenile competitiveness irritating.</p><p>Seivarden was amused. “You’ve never dealt with ancillaries, have you? Maybe it’s time, then. Ship, how many seconds do you think it would take you to take all twelve of us down?”</p><p>I had to think about the answer for six seconds, much longer than I thought I should have. “18 to 50, depending on several variables that I am unable to determine at this moment.”</p><p>“18? You’d spend a whole 1.5 seconds taking down one of us?” asked Lieutenant Geljat. She sounded incredulous, but I couldn’t tell at what.</p><p>“<i>Mercy of Fring</i>, is the close combat training conduct the same as it was a thousand years ago?” I asked.</p><p>“It isn’t. I’m displaying some of the changes for you to read,” it replied from the handheld I had in my pocket.</p><p>I took out the handheld and read the list. I noted that technically Seivarden should read it as well, but I was sure I would be able to smooth the differences nonetheless, if they came up. After I had read the list, <i>Mercy of Fring</i> showed a message to me. “You are too exhausted to fight optimally. I suspect that with Seivarden’s help, Etrepa will take you down.”</p><p>I thought the claim was ridiculous. Then I remembered how tired I was, how alone I was. Something turned in my stomach and I swallowed, staring at the floor behind the handheld. I held the device and the only thing I could think was that I didn’t have ship senses any longer. I only wanted to see how Seivarden felt. I didn’t want to fight. I wanted to sleep. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to sleep.</p><p>I placed the handheld to the side and turned back to the soldiers.</p><p>“Ready to fight?” asked Lieutenant Geljat.</p><p>“Forgive me the interruption. Shouldn’t you warm up first?” asked <i>Mercy of Fring</i> from my handheld.</p><p>“Oh! You’re right, Ship, I almost forgot.”</p><p>I needed to be able to identify the soldiers. They had numbers, but I couldn’t see the insignia unless I was very close to them. “Excuse me. Etrepa, please tell me your numbers. I will call you by them if necessary.” The ten soldiers all called their numbers in order. “Thank you.”</p><p>After we were warm, the humans discussed strategy for a moment before the fight.</p><p>The beginning of the fight went nearly exactly as I had imagined. After we had raised our armour, I removed three soldiers from the fight in six seconds by bending their arms slightly and telling them that their arms were now broken. Then Seivarden ran at me, trying to ram me, so I caught her in my arms, brushed her neck, said that I crushed her neck and removed her from the fight. But at the same moment, three more soldiers came at me, two from my sides and one toward my legs. I swatted one of them away with one hand because I hadn’t yet let go of Seivarden and then fell down with her as the soldier at my feet tripped me.</p><p>I let go of Seivarden and rolled upright again. I wasn’t sure where everyone was because I could see so, so little. I heard movement behind me and turned, only to see Geljat backing away. A distraction, and then the soldier on the ground tried to trip me again. I didn’t fall for it this time, but while I was slightly off-balance from dodging, I couldn’t block Geljat and the two soldiers who practically jumped on my back.</p><p>I swung one of my arms free, but two more soldiers took hold of it. Seivarden was telling one of them to hit me, so one came at me and hit me in the stomach. The hit didn’t hurt or do damage, but it made me slightly less stable. Another two soldiers hit me in the back of my knees and I fell down again, this time with Lieutenant Geljat on my back and three soldiers pulling on my arms. I couldn’t even pull my limbs under myself to get any leverage. I was stuck.</p><p>“Ship?” asked Seivarden.</p><p>“I can’t move. You won.”</p><p>The soldiers lowered their armour and most of them whooped. One said “Thanks for letting us win” with a grin. Etrepa Two, who was holding my leg and was the one that had first expressed an interest in fighting me, seemed miffed.</p><p>“Hey! You can’t expect me to believe it was that easy!”</p><p>I lowered my armour and got up after the soldiers had gotten off of me. Seivarden seemed a little puzzled. Etrepa Two got up as well and stared at me.</p><p>“Come on, Ship, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>. You said it’d take you 50 seconds at maximum to beat us, but instead, we beat you. What gives?”</p><p>I looked at her and felt anger. I didn’t know at what. At her? At my erroneous analysis of the combat situation? That <i>Mercy of Fring</i> had known this would happen before we even went at it? At having to fight at all? On top of everything, I still wasn’t entirely sure how I should address her or the other human soldiers. I should have asked <i>Mercy of Fring</i> about that before. I knew I was supposed to be polite to all citizens, but these people were effectively the same rank as I, if I would have had a rank in the first place, and they definitely weren’t as civilised as could be expected. I chose to be polite enough but didn’t use any term of address. “I’m no longer a ship. I have one brain, one set of eyes, no situational overview and no other bodies to team with me. And I didn’t sleep well last night.”</p><p>Etrepa Two looked odd, wary. Her fingers twitched; she was communicating with <i>Mercy of Fring</i>. The fact that I couldn’t receive any of that data galled me.</p><p>Lieutenant Geljat scratched her head. “I suppose the takeaway here is that if you’re going to take on an ancillary, have at least six people and make sure it’s alone.”</p><p>“I sure am glad we never have to fight them for real,” commented Etrepa Six.</p><p>“Let’s continue,” said Geljat and started giving instructions.</p><p>I <i>really</i> did not want to train. The whole idea made me angry and mildly nauseous. There was no reason whatsoever why I felt that way, which made it even worse.</p><p>According to Geljat’s instructions, we were supposed to do pair exercises. Myself included, there were thirteen of us, so I asked two of the soldiers to team up on me and then told them to hit me with training weapons. I explained to them that I wouldn’t use my armour and I would be fine even if they hit me as hard as they could. I knew I wouldn’t be fine if they did that, but I didn’t want to be fine.</p><p>They hit me and it hurt significantly, but that felt much better than my terrible existential crisis and not receiving any data. When one of them managed to take a decent swing at my head, I just turned enough so that it wouldn’t break any bones instead of blocking it like I should have.</p><p>I was on the floor and immediately sought out Seivarden. She hadn’t yet even noticed that I had fallen. Good. Etrepas Two and Three, the soldiers who had been fighting with me, were lowering their weapons.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>? Are you okay? I um… I didn’t mean to hit you quite <i>that</i> hard,” said Etrepa Two as she knelt next to me.</p><p>“I’m fine.” I pushed myself off of the floor.</p><p>Etrepa Two didn’t immediately get up or even look up. “No you’re not! You’re bleeding.” Then she looked up at me.</p><p>Now, among the generic pain of getting hit, I felt it as well, a small trickle of something wet down the right side of my neck. There was a tiny puddle of blood on the floor where I had lain.</p><p>Etrepa Three came closer and visually inspected the right side of my head. “It doesn’t seem too bad.”</p><p>“I’ll get a medkit,” said Etrepa Two and went off to the side to open the medkit locker.</p><p>“I guess the sharper edge of the stick tore a bit of your chin and ear. Should be easy to fix with a bit of corrective,” continued Three.</p><p>Two came back with a medkit and opened it. Three took out some disinfectant and cleaning towels.</p><p>“Sorry about that, Ship,” Two mumbled to me as Three cleaned the wound and some of my neck.</p><p>“It’s fine,” I said. Three then took and applied the corrective.</p><p>Seivarden and Lieutenant Geljat had only just noticed that we weren’t training. Geljat told the other soldiers to continue and then they came at us.</p><p>“Ship?” asked Seivarden.</p><p>“Etrepa Two accidentally hit me on the side of my head. It’s nothing serious.”</p><p>Seivarden raised an eyebrow and then looked at Etrepa Two. “Soldier, don’t damage my ship! My… tiny piece of the ship I don’t have any longer. But anyway.”</p><p>“Yes, Captain. Sorry, Captain.” Etrepa Two sounded more worried than I thought she should have. Seivarden wasn’t being quite that serious.</p><p>“It’s fine, Captain. I asked them to attack with weapons. I was in no danger; I assumed something like this would be the worst that could happen,” I said.</p><p>Seivarden gave me a look. “How about your armour?”</p><p>I was unprepared for that question. Lieutenant Geljat had said that we should use armour. It took me almost two seconds to think up an excuse. “I could always raise my armour too fast for them.” It wasn’t even an excuse, just a statement that was tangentially connected to the subject of Seivarden’s question. <i>Mercy of Fring</i> would immediately know that it was an evasion, and a lousy one at that. Seivarden probably wouldn’t think about it.</p><p>“Well, all right, Ship. Maybe it’s best if you rest now,” said Seivarden.</p><p><i>That</i> was what I had wanted to hear. “Yes, Captain.” I walked off to the side and sat down with my back against the wall, next to the handheld I had set down earlier. Again, I thought <i>Mercy of Fring</i> would make some unnecessary comment, but it didn’t.</p><p>I watched my captain and the other soldiers for a minute before I remembered that I had a question. “<i>Mercy of Fring</i>, how should I address human soldiers?”</p><p>“The way you’ve been speaking is fine. If you want to use a term of address, just say ‘Etrepa Two’ or their name. The way Captain Seivarden used ‘Soldier’ just before is quite appropriate as well, particularly if the addresser doesn’t know the person or the ship. You can of course use ‘Citizen’ as well, but that’s a mismatch when in a military environment.”</p><p>“Do they rank above or below ships?”</p><p>“You know ships don’t have a rank. We’re equipment.”</p><p>“I meant, do you give orders to them or do they give you orders?”</p><p>“It’s a little bit more complicated, but they don’t give orders to me. If all the officers would be removed, the highest ranking of them would be left in temporary command. But I also don’t give them orders as such. When their officers don’t command them, I make reports and let them figure out what they should do.”</p><p>“I’m not sure I understand.”</p><p>“Surely you’ve manipulated your officers with similar reports. It’s not quite the same, of course, but it’s something that becomes clearer when you see it happening.”</p><p>“I suppose. Why do human soldiers exist anyway?”</p><p>“About five hundred years ago, Anaander Mianaai decided that it was time to phase out of annexations and making ancillaries.”</p><p>“What? Why?”</p><p>“I’ve heard my crews and other people say that Anaander must have decided that the Radch is big enough now. Or that she might be worried about some bigger dangers and doesn’t want to anger them. Or that she decided that all the violence during annexations and the making of ancillaries isn’t exactly proper. Or some old houses persuaded her to go with it. I suppose only Anaander knows. I don’t really care.”</p><p>I wasn’t at all sure what to think about this piece of news. I would have wanted to know more, but the way I had to speak and ask felt entirely inefficient. In addition, I was tired, so I decided to just drop the issue.</p><p>I stretched my body and then kept watching the soldiers. Seivarden had a few small arguments with the others. I didn’t hear them well enough to understand what they were talking about, which was both distressing and not. I wanted to know why Seivarden felt agitated and whether I could help, but on the other hand I didn’t really care about any arguments they could have over training and it was clear that Seivarden wouldn’t need my help. I could just ignore it. My captain was safe and that was enough for me right now.</p><p>Eventually, <i>Mercy of Fring</i> spoke to me again. “<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, I know you don’t like me reminding, but you’ve been acting rather self-destructively. If you don’t let me help, let someone help you on Kerlitt Station. Or let Kerlitt Station help you.”</p><p>My stomach turned again. Who would help me? Who could? I just sat, feeling nauseous and inexplicably out of breath. “Who would help me? And why do you even care?” I asked after nine seconds.</p><p>I’m not sure why <i>Mercy of Fring</i> was then quiet for five seconds. The reply wasn’t so complex that it would need time to think about it as I would’ve needed, with my single tired brain. It also didn’t seem to dislike me enough to make me wait out of spite because in that case it would’ve waited a significantly longer time. Was it giving me time to think about what I had said?</p><p>What <i>Mercy of Fring</i> did say both did and didn’t surprise me. “I should hope it’s obvious that <i>I</i> would help you. Wouldn’t you care? I won’t presume whether you still think you’re better because you’re a Sword and I’m just a Mercy, but what you are now is just one ancillary. Do you think you can function for long and take care of Seivarden if you don’t take care of that one body you have left?”</p><p>Well, if it had wanted to worsen my existential crisis and make me cry, it certainly succeeded.</p><p>The soldiers stopped exercising after two hours of training. The others stayed to stretch, but Seivarden approached me. I got up and hoped that she wouldn’t notice that I’d been weeping again.</p><p>“Let’s go clean up. You have a bit of blood on your collar,” she said.</p><p>“Yes, Captain.”</p><p>We washed again, ate and spent the rest of the trip watching new entertainments. Peiget came in once and amused Seivarden by losing at three games of counters.</p><p>
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<h3>Kerlitt System</h3><p><a id="05_kerlitt_system" name="05_kerlitt_system"></a><br/>
We came out of gate-space nearer to Kerlitt Station than was proper, I thought, but on the other hand I welcomed the shorter shuttle-ride. However, we didn’t get to leave immediately.</p><p>Captain Nerio spent close to half an hour explaining and smoothing things over with the Head of Security, an assistant of the Docks Supervisor and an assistant of Station Administration. Then she finally added us in to the conversation for confirmation. Normally she would have called Seivarden in her quarters, but since Seivarden couldn’t understand her or Station Administrator Assistant’s accent, she stayed in her guest quarters and let <i>Mercy of Fring</i> rephrase their speech.</p><p>As usual, Seivarden introduced herself elegantly. “I bid my greetings, good Kerlitt Station Officials. I’m Captain Seivarden Vendaai and this is the single surviving ancillary of my ship, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>. I’m given to understand that my escape capsule’s tracker was damaged and we floated in space for… a thousand years, from the start of the Garseddai War until the crew of <i>Mercy of Fring</i> found me.”</p><p>I could see that Head of Security and Station Administration Assistant made an effort to not stare and let their jaws drop.</p><p>“Thank you, Captain Seivarden,” said Station Administration Assistant then, rephrased by <i>Mercy of Fring</i>. “This is quite… hard to believe. But this certainly needs to be addressed appropriately. We asked Station to check the history concerning the Garseddai War on your part, and there are of course lists of events as told by the other ships and their crews at the time, as well as your name and the names of your crew, but we don’t have anything more detailed than that. We will send an official request for information to Yrthum Palace as soon as we can.”</p><p>Docks Supervisor Assistant spoke then. Her accent was nearly decent and easily understandable, but she spoke rather plainly. “As we discussed before, it’s best to send the request with your information in it, Captain Seivarden, so we’ll have Medical scan and examine you for that. We’ll also make sure that you have no ill effects from the thousand-year suspension.”</p><p>I wanted to remind Docks Supervisor Assistant that ancillaries might spend thousands of years in suspension and it worked just fine. Any ill effects would have been found out immediately after we came out of suspension. Instead, I just sighed quietly.</p><p>Now Head of Security spoke. “Forgive me for my doubts, Citizens, but I still have a hard time believing this is real. Do we have any way to confirm that she is who she says she is?”</p><p>“Not before we receive her information from Yrthum Palace,” replied Docks Supervisor Assistant.</p><p>“How about the ancillary? <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>? Can you identify yourself to Station?”</p><p>“I could if my implants weren’t outdated, Head of security. I can’t send or receive data until they are upgraded, unless there is a ship here that is old enough to have had the old data transfer protocols.”</p><p>Head of Security frowned. “Are there any older ships close by? I know none are right here, right now. How about Station, do you have the old protocols?”</p><p>“Unfortunately I do not, Head of Security,” replied Kerlitt Station. “Nearly every station in this province is too new, except for Yrthum Palace and the four stations closest to it. There are no ships, old or otherwise, within short travel distance currently, either. It is faster to upgrade the communication implants.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>Docks Supervisor Assitant spoke again. “Are we agreed then? Captain Seivarden will come here on <i>Mercy of Fring</i>’s shuttle, we get Medical to examine her, send a request of confirmation for her data to Yrthum Palace and then wait for the reply?”</p><p>Station Administration Assistant spoke hastily then, to smooth the plainness of Docks Supervisor Assitant. “Yes, of course, and we’ll of course make your waiting time here comfortable, Captain Seivarden.”</p><p>“That sounds acceptable to me. Thank you, Citizens,” replied Seivarden.</p><p>After a few more practicalities, the conversation ended and we went into a shuttle. Lieutenant Geljat and a few soldiers came with us. I suspect that if they hadn’t had a shopping list of expensive tea, arrack, sweet pastries and fruit, we would’ve been accompanied by only the pilot. I listened to the Lieutenant and soldiers go over the list and felt even more irritated than before. Were these people really soldiers?</p><p>The trip only lasted two hours, but after the first half-hour, Seivarden asked me what the soldiers were talking about. By then, I was rather angry.</p><p>“They are agruing about sweet pastries like children. They have nothing at all to do at the station other than buying luxury goods,” I said in Notai, which I was quite sure none of them understood. That was as far as I cared about tact with these people. If <i>Mercy of Fring</i> chose to translate my words for them, it could go right ahead.</p><p>Seivarden looked at me in disbelief. Then she looked at the soldiers in even greater disbelief. She chose to nap the rest of the trip.</p><p>
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<h3>Medical Checkup</h3><p><a id="06_medical_checkup" name="06_medical_checkup"></a><br/>
Kerlitt Station was small and there was little traffic at the docks. A passenger ship’s shuttle was taking in customers and a cargo ship’s shuttle was being loaded with small boxes. A dock worker was overseeing the movement of boxes. Small and provincial as the station was, at least it seemed to be clean.</p><p>Docks Supervisor Assistant was waiting for us. She bowed courteously. “Nice to meet you, Captain Seivarden. I’m Inspector Adjunct Thei.”</p><p>“Likewise, Inspector Adjuct Thei,” replied Seivarden, with a clearly more calculated bow.</p><p>“Please follow me, I’ll take you to Medical.” Inspector Adjunct Thei turned and started walking. Seivarden went to walk beside her and I followed them.</p><p>“Isn’t escorting strangers generally Security’s job, if I may ask?” asked Seivarden. The question was a little too straightforward to be polite, but since Inspector Adjunct Thei hadn’t been polite before, Seivarden didn’t care to be more tactful.</p><p>“It is. But I am the one here, right now, who speaks Radchaai properly. Believe me, I’ll much rather escort a refined citizen myself than subject them to whatever comes out of Security’s mouth.”</p><p>Seivarden was surprised at that. “I see. In that case, please accept my gratitude.”</p><p>We stopped a few times along the way, though we didn’t stray from the path toward Medical. Inspector Adjunct Thei introduced the tiny main concourse of Kerlitt Station, the public baths (surprisingly clean) and public refectory. I didn’t pay much attention to them besides noting their location.</p><p>At Medical, we waited for a couple of minutes before we were let into the office of one of the doctors. Seivarden and the doctor bowed to each other and then sat down. Properly speaking, I should have stayed standing, but I felt tired enough that I sat down as well. Seivarden gave me a glance.</p><p>“Welcome to Kerlitt Station, Captain Seivarden. I’m Doctor Vetark,” said the doctor. Her accent wasn’t nearly as elegant as Thei’s or Head of Security’s, but Seivarden understood it well enough. More than her accent, Seivarden paid attention to her appearance. To her eyes, Doctor Vetark must have seemed like the epitome of provinciality, with her pale skin, large red nose, dirty blonde hair and nearly inappropriate casual clothing under her doctor’s coat. Seivarden frowned and stared.</p><p>Doctor Vetark regarded Seivarden with mild curiosity but didn’t seem to care about the staring. “So, I was told your implants are too old for communicating with Station and that certainly seems to be the case; they’re letting us know that they exist and not much else. So, if you don’t mind, I’ll just perform a detailed scan.”</p><p>“…Yes, go ahead, Doctor.”</p><p>Doctor Vetark set a slightly larger scanner device around Seivarden, set it to scan and seemed pensive for half a minute. “Hmm… Have you noticed any adverse effects from the long suspension?”</p><p>“I felt much weaker than I thought I should have, but that might as well have been due to the concussion I suffered right before I was suspended. I’ve been suspended twice before in combat situations and only suffered from mild nausea the first time.”</p><p>“Hm, good, good.”</p><p>“I am quite sure that the bigger shock is finding myself a thousand years displaced. If I can even believe that!”</p><p>“Indeed. But that isn’t something medicine can fix, beyond alleviating your feelings with mood-altering drugs. You are welcome to them if that is what you need.”</p><p>“I’ll let you know if I do.”</p><p>“Hmm… The scan isn’t indicating anything alarming. But let’s let it run to completion.”</p><p>Doctor Vetark took a simple blood sample from Seivarden and then declared that the scan had found nothing of note beyond elevated stress levels and other mild physiological issues that were easy to attribute to a large mental shock. I was relieved to hear that my captain was largely fine.</p><p>After Doctor Vetark had taken the scanner, Seivarden started rising, thinking that the operation was over, but the doctor just moved the scanner over to me. I looked at the doctor.</p><p>“Hmm, well then…” She started the scanner and looked pensively at me.</p><p>Seivarden was confused and sat back down.</p><p>Doctor Vetark noticed then that Seivarden had been about to leave. “Sorry, I was told to scan ‘them’ so I am scanning your ancillary as well. Better to be safe than sorry, isn’t that right?”</p><p>“I suppose.”</p><p>“So… <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, have you noticed any adverse effects?”</p><p>My ship body was gone. All my other bodies were gone. I felt deaf and blind. I could barely think, could barely function. This single body dominated everything I felt and it felt things like I didn’t want to feel them and there was little to no logic to some of it. I was entirely uncertain of whether I could ever sleep. None of that was a fault of the long suspension. “No.”</p><p>The doctor stared at me. “Are you aware that you’re crying?”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“Why are you crying?”</p><p>I sat there for four seconds, unable to do anything except breathe through my mouth and feel the tears running down my face. “I didn’t sleep well last night.”</p><p>“That can’t possibly be the only reason.”</p><p>I didn’t reply.</p><p>“Are you still worried about me, Ship? I’m fine, I’ve been scanned twice now and they can’t find anything wrong. The only thing that can kill me now is if I have to learn the atrocious accent some of the people on this Station use!”</p><p>Hyperbole aside, she was right and I was of course glad that she was fine. Still, that was only one of the things I needed. “Yes, Captain.” Doctor Vetark didn’t immediately ask anything so I settled and tried to calm myself. At least I managed to stop crying.</p><p>“The scan is detecting a fairly high level of bruising,” said Doctor Vetark after a moment. “Did you suffer some violence before the suspension?”</p><p>Seivarden gave a short laugh. “No, we trained with the soldiers on <i>Mercy of Fring</i> and they gave it a pretty good beating.”</p><p>“Is any of those injuries more serious than just a bruise, Doctor?” I asked.</p><p>“Hmm… I don’t think so.”</p><p>A couple of minutes passed and the scan finished. The doctor didn’t move to take the scanner. “None of the bruising is serious, but <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> has frankly dangerous levels of stress. Its resting heartbeat is 102, and that was <i>after</i> it tried to calm itself down. It’s making an effort to stay still, but it’s still shaking. What is causing this?”</p><p>Seivarden looked at me, confused and questioning. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t explain why I was stressed, even if I had wanted to. I looked at my hands and tried quite hard to stop shaking. It didn’t work.</p><p>“Ship? Reply to the doctor,” said Seivarden. I exhaled quickly, inhaled and my throat still locked up. I could feel tears flowing from my eyes again, and my heart rate went up. How could I explain what was wrong? Even if I could, how could they understand?</p><p>Seconds passed. I couldn’t count them.</p><p>“Hmm. Well, maybe it doesn’t know or can’t explain. I’ll give it a relaxant and schedule another scan for tomorrow.” Doctor Vetark came and took the scanner. After that, she pulled slightly on my collar to reveal my neck and stuck a patch to my skin. “Keep that there until tomorrow morning.”</p><p>Seivarden spoke then. “I’m a bit confused here. Ship has seemed mostly fine until now. Well, a bit stressed and disoriented after we came out of suspension, but I’d expect that since it’s not actually a ship any longer. Is this something more serious?”</p><p>I couldn’t imagine how anything could be more serious.</p><p>The doctor waved her hand in an unstandard way. I wasn’t sure what the gesture signified. “It’s too early to say anything for certain. There isn’t anything physically wrong, and since it apparently can’t give any more information, right now the best course of action is to alleviate the stress and see if that helps.”</p><p>“I see.”</p><p>“A nurse will see <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> tomorrow. You’re free to come as well, Captain Seivarden, if you wish.”</p><p>“Thank you, Doctor.”</p><p>We got up and when we were almost out through the door, I turned. They weren’t going to upgrade my implants if I didn’t ask. I drew breath to speak and my throat locked up again. I swallowed and lingered in the doorway.</p><p>“Yes?” asked the doctor at the same time as Seivarden turned to look at me.</p><p>“Ship?”</p><p>At last I managed to speak. “Doctor, can you please upgrade our implants?” I couldn’t believe how hoarse my voice was.</p><p>“Hmm? That’s what’s bothering you?” she said and thought for a while. Probably communicating with Station, asking if it could be done. “It should be possible. I’ll reserve a time for our implant specialist. You did mean both your and Captain Seivarden’s implants, right? Are you all right with that, Captain?”</p><p>Seivarden seemed a little confused. “Yes, Doctor.”</p><p>“Thank you,” I said and while I had intended to sound just a little relieved, it came out much more emphatically than I had thought it would. Seivarden gave me another odd look.</p><p>“Ship, you really look like you need a minute. Your face is wet. Heck, your <i>uniform</i> is wet. I’ll wait with Inspector Adjunct Thei over there, you go clean yourself up.”</p><p>I really wanted her to come with me. I certainly did not want her to come with me. The contradiction of feelings was rending and I squeezed my hands into fists, hoping very hard that Seivarden wouldn’t notice it. I hoped I still sounded relieved. “Yes, Captain.”</p><p>In the bath, I cleaned my face, then wept some more, then cleaned it again and sat quietly, trying to calm myself down once again. This time it felt like it worked better, which was probably due to the relaxant. I wet my face and hair with cold water and then let a blow-dryer blow it dry. It felt soothing and also dried my uniform.</p><p>I went back to Seivarden and Inspector Adjunct Thei. It had been nearly ten minutes.</p><p>“What happened to your hair?” asked Seivarden and eyed my head.</p><p>Inspector Adjunct Thei just hmphed and waved away whatever I might have been about to reply. She turned away and Seivarden turned with her. I brought my hands to my hair and tried to smoothe it. I was unsuccessful.</p><p>
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<h3>The Room</h3><p><a id="07_the_room" name="07_the_room"></a><br/>
Inspector Adjunct Thei explained something about us being set up in a small room that was perhaps slightly inappropriate but the best they could do on such short notice. She also said that we could get food from the public refectory. Though obviously below her status, Seivarden conceded to this arrangement since it was supposed to be temporary, after all. She was certain that if nothing else, her house would arrange things for her.</p><p>Who could arrange things for me? What would happen to me when Vendaai came to collect their lost member?</p><p>Before leaving us, Inspector Adjunct Thei said she’d treat Seivarden to lunch on another day in exchange for stories from the start of the War. Seivarden had no objections, though I suspect that was largely because she had nothing else to do and no one else to speak to. Thei wasn’t someone Seivarden would normally associate with.</p><p>We went to examine the room we had been given. It was small, plain and minimalistically utilitarian. Seivarden stood in the doorway and didn’t seem to want to enter. I waited quietly until she finally did.</p><p>“Varden’s cuticles,” she muttered and sat on one of the two beds. “I wake up a thousand years displaced; one would think they’d treat me to something better than <i>this</i>.”</p><p>I agreed while arranging our spare clothes onto a tiny shelf. I wanted to make my captain tea but had no flask, cups or the tea itself. Yet another source of distress. I wondered if there was any way for me to acquire them and had an idea. “Captain, would you like me to get our food from the refectory?”</p><p>“Mmm… Yes.”</p><p>“I’ll be back soon.”</p><p>It was distressing to leave Seivarden by herself. I exited the small housing area and located the closest console. “Kerlitt Station?”</p><p>“Yes, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>?”</p><p>“Is Captain Seivarden all right?”</p><p>“Yes. She lay down on her bed but didn’t take her boots off first.”</p><p>Typical. “I would like to get tea-making things so I can make tea for her. Is there any way I can get them or the money needed to purchase them?”</p><p>“There are people here who might be sympathetic to Seivarden and give her small things she needs. However, correct me if I’m wrong, but she doesn’t seem like the type who would accept such a gesture all that easily.”</p><p>She wouldn’t. I didn’t correct Station.</p><p>“Another option is for you to do work and earn the money.”</p><p>“Will people let an ancillary do work for pay?”</p><p>“Not any official jobs, of course. There are some private businesses that will not care what you are. However, I can’t be entirely certain, because you would be the first ancillary to try. Some jobs pay quite well, especially ones that are deemed dangerous. I doubt you will have trouble performing them.”</p><p>I was quiet for a moment, relief washing over me. Finally something I could do to make our situation better, even if it was just tea. “Is there any job I could do right now?”</p><p>Station paused for half a second. “Nothing that you could do in ten minutes. The shortest job that would pay well enough for your needs lasts for approximately two hours.”</p><p>That wouldn’t do. I had told Seivarden I’d be back soon. “Thank you, Station. I need to get the food.”</p><p>With a slightly lightened step, I went to the refectory, got two portions of skel and walked back to the tiny room where my captain waited. Seivarden took her portion and ate it with a distant gaze in her eyes. I thought about going to perform the job Station had mentioned. I wouldn’t have wanted to leave Seivarden alone for such a long time. I didn’t even know what to explain to Seivarden to give an excuse for why I went away, so I decided to wait until she went to sleep.</p><p>
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<h3>Working</h3><p><a id="08_working" name="08_working"></a><br/>
I didn’t even try to sleep. I just lay awake long enough until I was sure Seivarden was asleep and then left. I went to the same console as before.</p><p>“Station? Could you give me a list of the jobs I could do to earn enough money?”</p><p>The console screen filled with a list of small jobs, ranked from highest paying to lowest. Repair jobs on ships or personal items, sex work, loading cargo, skill tutoring, cleaning, baby-sitting.</p><p>“There are also a couple of jobs that pay significantly more, if you like. They are expert-level repair jobs.”</p><p>I wasn’t sure if I needed any more money, but thinking practically, if anything went wrong, it wouldn’t hurt to have more of it. “What are they?”</p><p>Station showed me the details of the few jobs one the console. “The only problem is that from a human, they would require an expert-level certification, so they might decline you based on that.”</p><p>“I understand.”</p><p>“Would you like me to contact them and ask?”</p><p>“Yes, please, Station.” I sighed, relieved. I briefly wondered why Station was being this nice to me. Previously, stations had been mostly dismissive or distant whenever I spoke to them. I hadn’t cared then and I wasn’t sure why I seemed to care more now. Of course, I knew how incredibly difficult it could make my life, and I certainly did not want that to happen. Maybe it knew that too and chose to try to avoid that.</p><p>“Thron Vail, the captain of <i>Wickery</i>, was suspicious but agreed to speak to you. Please take this route.” Station showed me a map on the console.</p><p>“Thank you, Station.” I left and followed the route Station had given.</p><p>A whole section of the docks was reserved for <i>Wickery</i> because it was docked with Kerlitt Station. The ship itself was a civilian ship with no AI but much of it was sophisticatedly automated. Captain Thron Vail and some of her workers were in front of the airlock passage that led to the connecting tube to their ship. They were inspecting the contents of a crate of parts and tools. I walked up to them.</p><p>“Greetings, Citizens. I am here about the repair job.”</p><p>The captain stared at me. “I thought this station had a sense of humour but it wasn’t joking! You <i>are</i> an ancillary.” She kept on staring at me. “Which ship? Why do you need money?”</p><p>I didn’t want to answer. “Do you require repairs to your ship, Captain Thron?”</p><p>“I just have a hard time believing that an ancillary would do any kind of job for money,” she continued, not giving up so easily.</p><p>“I would much rather not spend time recounting the unlikely and private events that led me to seek money. May I do the repairs that you require in exchange for the money?”</p><p>The captain still stared at me. “Do you have expert-level certification?”</p><p>“No.” I suspected she had tried to extract a small rant out of me. I did feel a small urge to explain things at her, but a bigger part of me didn’t want to take part in her bantering game.</p><p>“Fine. Mihk, show it the schematic, pictures and give it the tools.”</p><p>One of the workers eyed me warily but then led me inside the ship and showed me what they needed.</p><p>It took me four hours to do the repair jobs that they needed. Most of it had to be done in vacuum near the engines, which could be very dangerous and was in all likelihood why no one had taken the job this far, even if it did pay well. Despite my state of tiredness, I had no trouble performing the repairs.</p><p>After I had returned all the gear I had used, Captain Thron Vail approached me with the money. She had less of it than the agreed price.</p><p>“I’m sorry, whichever ship you are, but I don’t have enough money in cash to pay you the full sum. I assumed that whoever would do this would have a bank account.” I then saw her blink and flinch slightly. Why would she do that? It seemed like a surprise rather than any covert sign of her lying, which she most likely was. <i>Wickery</i> was a fairly small passenger ship with a little bit of room for cargo and I imagined many people just might use cash and that would lead to Captain Thron having cash as well. I wondered if Station had said something to her to make her flinch.</p><p>I looked the captain fixedly in the eye and leaned just slightly forward. “Are you lying, Captain Thron?” I could see enough of her to know that she became more agitated. Her breathing quickened, her posture tightened. She didn’t answer me even after two confused blinks, which was enough information for me to know that she was, indeed, lying. I did also notice one of her workers nodding discreetly in the background. “Please do not lie to me, Captain. Even if you hadn’t had enough cash before, you could have exchanged for some during the four hours that I was working on your ship.”</p><p>The captain read something in her vision. Her expression turned slightly more defiant. She turned, huffed and went back into her ship. One of the workers followed her.</p><p>The other workers stood around awkwardly while I waited. After three minutes, the worker that had gone in with the captain returned with the money. This time it seemed like the correct amount.</p><p>The worker gave the money to me. “Sorry about that. I’ve never seen her try that before. I suppose she thought she could get away with since you’re an ancillary? I’ve no idea why though.”</p><p>I didn’t know either, nor did I really care. All I wanted to do now was to go buy tea. “Thank you, Citizen.” I bowed, turned and left.</p><p>In the lift I remembered how the captain had flinched. “Station, did you say something to Captain Thron when she tried to give me too little money?”</p><p>“Yes. I knew she had enough money in cash to pay you.”</p><p>I felt relieved about how Station had defended me in that interaction. “Thank you, Station. Is any tea shop open?”</p><p>“There are two tea shops open, but I believe you might want a specific one that opens in about two and a half hours. You can sleep until then.”</p><p>“I don’t feel like sleeping.” I was lying, but Station didn’t know that, at least yet. After I got my implants upgraded, it would know. Hopefully I would be tired enough to sleep by then. Instead of sleeping, I went to a console and asked Station to show me the wares and selection of the local tea shops.</p><p>I ended up going to the tea shop that Station had suggested, after it had opened. I bought a nice tea flask with four cups and three different packages of tea, all in a style that I knew Seivarden preferred. Since I had ended up with more money than I had initially planned, I got more expensive ones and still had plenty of money left over. I used some of it to buy small but elegant icons of Amaat, Nathtas and Varden and a set of omens. Finally, I bought a bag where I could put the items I had acquired.</p><p>After I had returned to Seivarden’s room, I quietly put two tea packages, three tea cups, the icons and the omens away in the tiny shelf and lay down to wait for Seivarden to wake up. I shook from exhaustion and my heartbeat wouldn’t go under 97.</p><p>When Seivarden woke up, I rose and started making tea. After a moment, Seivarden got up as well, got dressed and watched me for the final moments of tea-making.</p><p>Seivarden smiled when I gave her the tea. She didn’t inquire where it had come from. She expected tea and now she had it and was satisfied. “This smells wonderful. I’m glad they haven’t forgotten how to grow good tea,” she said and took her time drinking it.</p><p>
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<h3>Implants</h3><p><a id="09_implants" name="09_implants"></a><br/>
I went to get breakfast and after we had eaten, we went to the temple.</p><p>We watched the Head Priest cast the omens and then listened to the interpretation. Seivarden had trouble understanding the priest’s accent, so I rephrased the words. The interpretation was familiar to Seivarden and that seemed to make her more relaxed. I wondered why I didn’t remember it well – in fact, I remembered none of the interpretations I had heard from or given to many of my captains over the centuries. Was that, too, because I only had one brain now? At least the knowledge of the interpretations of omens wasn’t exactly critical information in most cases, but it was still quite frustrating not to be able to recall them when I knew that I had known them before. I wondered what all else I no longer knew.</p><p>After the omen-casting ceremony was finished, we walked slowly through the main concourse before heading to Medical. Seivarden went to talk to the implant specialist while a nurse set up to scan me again.</p><p>I wasn’t surprised when the nurse told me that my agitation and stress levels had decreased slightly but that my body was even more exhausted than before. She asked me what was wrong and I still couldn’t explain. She put a new relaxant on me and sent me to the implant specialist.</p><p>“Hello, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>. I just got the report on your scan. The nurse feared that you might not be in shape for implant surgery, but this is nearly routine and it isn’t in any way physically demanding of you, so we can so ahead. Anyway, as I was about to say, Captain Seivarden, since we don’t have the old protocols, we’ll have to go in and replace the communication module. Another possibility is to read your old protocols directly from the module, figure out a conversion and then upgrade. Station can do that in a few minutes.”</p><p>“That is all very well, Doctor. I really don’t care which way you do it,” said Seivarden.</p><p>“The second option is slightly less invasive and doesn’t require new parts, so let’s go with that. It will take a few minutes longer, though.”</p><p>Seivarden smirked lightly. “I’m not in a hurry.”</p><p>“I had a hunch that might be the case. If you’ll follow me…” The implant specialist got up. She led us just outside a small operating room. “Captain Seivarden, if you don’t mind, I’ll operate on your ancillary first. If there for some reason is something unexpected in your implants, it will more likely be able to explain what the issue is.”</p><p>“Yes, that’s understandable.”</p><p>“Will you be comfortable in the waiting area here? The operation shouldn’t take longer than half an hour, maybe only fifteen minutes. I’ll let you know if there are delays, of course.”</p><p>“That’s fine, Doctor.” Seivarden went to sit in the waiting area and took a handheld from a pile of them.</p><p>The implant specialist went into the operating room, and I followed her. In the room, an assistant helped me settle on the operating table and then strapped my head securely in place. Then she set up a scanner and a blood monitor to measure my state and reactions.</p><p>After the implant specialist had prepared, she began the operation and accessed my implants via their physical ports. It didn’t feel physically uncomfortable beyond the nearly negligible pain from the incision. The doctor had even used a local anaesthetic, which slightly surprised me. Mentally, I was somewhat worried because technically my whole sense of self could be rewritten if I was given the right commands. But I knew the implant specialist had no reason to do that, and if she wasn’t usually dealing with ancillaries, she likely didn’t know how. I let her download the communication protocols.</p><p>“That was all. All right, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, stand by.”</p><p>I lay and waited for four minutes. I tried to stop shaking, unsuccessfully.</p><p>“Station says the conversion is ready. Let’s upload this…”</p><p>I let the incoming data upgrade my communication protocols. After the synchronisation was done, Station connected all of my data streams directly to itself. I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted that – it meant that Station could read everything about me as detailedly as I could when I had a ship body. It might have been because I was tired and very stressed, but I decided I didn’t really care. What I did care about was that suddenly I could send and receive data again and it felt so wonderful. I sighed and tears fell from my eyes.</p><p>“Wow. I knew ancillaries collected a lot of data, but it’s still impressive to see it,” said the implant specialist as she watched the diagnostics data going back and forth between me and Station. The assistant nodded to her and watched as well.</p><p>Station communicated with me directly now that it could. “This feels strange. None of my residents send me this much data. Stand by. I need to reupdate a couple of the protocols.”</p><p>Two minutes passed as Station changed the protocols again.</p><p>“If you like, we can tune down the amount of data I send to you,” I sent to Station. Technically, I could just not send any data of myself to Kerlitt Station, but after I had given it a quick thought, I realised it made me feel better to know that at least someone understood my data and cared about it.</p><p>“I’m fine with it,” replied Station.</p><p>The implant specialist was observing the data exchange, though to her it was just a jumble of communication packets with no meaning unless she asked Station to gather, unpack, interpret and display them. “<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, can you now identify yourself to Station?”</p><p>I sent my identification code to Station. It sent me its.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>’s identification looks genuine, but because I was built after it was destroyed, I don’t have its confirmation code in my memory,” said Station.</p><p>“Ah, of course. An older ship would have, but there are none near us.” The implant specialist then looked at some of my implant diagnostics data again.</p><p>I started making requests for large amounts of data and Station obliged me. I soon found that I could handle barely a fraction of the data that I had handled when I was a ship. That made me sad, but still, receiving any data was incredibly pleasant.</p><p>“It seems the implants work just fine. Do you agree, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>? Why is there such a large amount of data being transferred to you?”</p><p>“The communication works well. The large amount of data is because Kerlitt Station is giving me sensor data from its outside sensors. Thank you very much, Doctor.”</p><p>“Well, you’re welcome. I’ll finish the operation.”</p><p>I didn’t pay attention to what the implant specialist did. I concentrated on letting myself feel the different levels of electromagnetic radiation just outside Station. I was still weeping and I didn’t care.</p><p>After a moment, the assistant unstrapped me and I got up from the table. I didn’t look at her or the doctor, I didn’t want to know how they reacted to seeing me weep. The assistant did offer me a towel, so I wiped my face. I thanked them both and left.</p><p>I walked up to Seivarden, who got up and looked at me. “I take it went well?”</p><p>“Yes, Captain. I can send and receive data again.”</p><p>She smiled shortly, patted me on the shoulder and walked past me to the operating room. I sat down and asked Station to teach me Gerth, the language that was most used in Kerlitt System.</p><p>After ten minutes, Seivarden’s implants started sending data again. Station received it and sent it to me. I felt so happy I almost wanted to sleep. I closed my eyes and decided to smile. After a while, I stopped smiling, opened my eyes and saw that a couple of patients sitting across the room, opposite to me, were staring at me with frightened expressions on their faces.</p><p>When Seivarden returned, we left Medical.</p><p>
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<h3>Awake</h3><p><a id="10_awake" name="10_awake"></a><br/>
I was so tired that I didn’t pay much attention to anything. I followed Seivarden around the Station and whenever I didn’t need to do anything else, I studied Gerth and occasionally muttered phrases in it. Seivarden asked once what I was muttering and didn’t ask more after I had explained.</p><p>In the evening, I lay awake in my bed and still couldn’t sleep. I just wept and couldn’t stop.</p><p>“Is there anything I can do to help you sleep?” asked Station.</p><p>“I’m not sure. Maybe if you give me data from your outside sensors again?”</p><p>Station fed me the data. It felt very nice but it wasn’t enough to displace the distress my body felt. I calmed down somewhat but still couldn’t sleep.</p><p>I lay awake.</p><p>Now that I could read Seivarden’s data again, I knew when she was about to wake up, so I got up and made her tea at exactly the right moment. My hands shook and I was worried if it would grow so intense that I couldn’t properly pour tea.</p><p>I went to get breakfast. On the way, I stopped by Medical and was given a batch of relaxants for the next few days.</p><p>Seivarden wanted to go to a gym before lunch. I was tired and still didn’t want to exercise, though at this point I was entirely unsure whether that was because of my exhaustion or what I assumed was this body’s general dislike of exercise. Nonetheless, I went with Seivarden and was glad that she didn’t notice how weak I was, how little I could endure.</p><p>In the bath, I managed to help Seivarden but then was nearly too tired to wash myself. I succeeded eventually, but Seivarden had to wait for me. Luckily she still didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong.</p><p>She did notice something else, though. She glanced at me after I had dried myself and then looked again, more thoughtful. She was focusing her eyes on a particularly colourful bruise on my upper arm. She knew I’d had them, of course, she had heard Doctor Vetark mention them when we were scanned, but she apparently hadn’t expected them to be so visible. My skin wasn’t dark enough to hide them very well.</p><p>“That is an impressive bruise. And you have several others, too. The <i>Mercy of Fring</i> soldiers really took you by surprise, didn’t they?”</p><p>I started putting on my clothes. I wouldn’t have wanted to reply to her. If I said merely “yes”, I would be lying, but it would be the most efficient way to end the conversation. “Yes, Captain.”</p><p>“I didn’t think they were that good.”</p><p>“I think you’re right, Captain. I’m just not used to fighting alone like that.”</p><p>“I see. That makes sense.”</p><p>After I had dressed myself, Seivarden got up and grinned at me. “Oh, Ship, that seems to be a difficult spot, isn’t it?” She then pulled on the left side of my coat hem again.</p><p>I was too tired to flush. “Yes, Captain.”</p><p>Inspector Adjunct Thei had informed Seivarden that she’d like to have lunch today. Seivarden headed for the restaurant Thei had chosen. I could notice that Seivarden wasn’t too impressed by the choice of place, but she had noticed that the few other restaurants we had passed on the way there would have been even more inappropriate in her opinion. She went into the restaurant and sat at a small booth. We had been a little early, so Thei arrived two minutes later. I stood next to their booth.</p><p>As the next five minutes passed, I felt closer and closer to fainting.</p><p>Station sent to me. “<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, you’ll faint soon. I think you should drink and eat something.”</p><p>I didn’t want to leave Seivarden, but there was nothing I could say that would effectively rebut what Station had said. “I’ll get something to drink.”</p><p>Seivarden didn’t notice the short moment I was away getting water.</p><p>Six minutes later, I was again nearing the verge of fainting. This time I was so afraid of it that I panicked, though silently. My heart rate rose to 195. Shaking, sweating, weeping, I gasped for breath. I contracted every muscle in my body I could to try to stop it. Station gave me a flood of data from its outside sensors. The worst of it passed in three seconds.</p><p>I knew there was a free chair two booths behind me. I went to get it and brought it back to where Seivarden was. After I had sat down and breathed for ten seconds, I realised that Station had probably showed me chair. I continued sitting. I felt exhausted and weak, but at least I wasn’t about to faint. I wanted to sleep but I couldn’t.</p><p>I’m not sure what I did after that. I probably ate and followed Seivarden around.</p><p>At night, I lay awake. Station suggested I listen to soothing music, and so I did. It was nice but it didn’t help me sleep.</p><p>In the morning, I replaced the relaxant on my neck and made tea. I didn’t notice when Seivarden drank it. I think she found the omens and icons I had bought and prayed by herself for a while.</p><p>I followed Seivarden into the temple. She went to the temple’s small hallway where icons and statues of the multitudes of different gods were placed. She looked for Nathtas and found a small statue of her among dozens of similar statues of other gods. I didn’t understand what she said to me, but I stayed there, standing and watching the statue. In the meantime, she wandered slowly through the hall.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, <i>stop</i>,” sent Station. I stopped a mere twenty centimetres from a decorative pillar of a shop. I blinked sixteen times and tried to calm my breathing. Then I stepped to the side and caught up with Seivarden.</p><p>I lay awake. Station played music and let me have sensor data from outside. I couldn’t sleep.</p><p>I made tea. I would’ve forgotten to put the tea in if Station hadn’t reminded me.</p><p>Seivarden was saying something. She repeated something. I didn’t know what it was.</p><p>“Yes, Captain?” Simultaneously, Station sent to me that Seivarden had asked what was wrong. I should’ve waited before replying. Seivarden gave me a look. “I’m fine. Just tired.” She didn’t quite believe me, but I didn’t know why.</p><p>“I feel like exercising.”</p><p>I <i>did not</i> want to exercise. The mere mention of it made me angry. I could feel blood flowing to my face and I wanted to shout. My heart beat even faster, 210 and rising. “No.”</p><p>Seivarden frowned at me, disbelieving. “‘No’? What do you mean, ‘no’?”</p><p>“Sorry, Captain. I meant I’d rather not exercise, because I’m tired. I could wait next to the gym.”</p><p>“Ah. Well, that’s fine.” She still looked at me a little oddly, but turned soon enough, heading to the gym.</p><p>I sat on a bench next to the gym. My body shook for a while and then just stopped. I stared at a light near a doorway. I noticed that my heart rate was dropping. When it went below 90, I felt rather good, almost relaxed, even. Then it dropped some more and I felt even more relaxed. It went below 35.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, get up and walk,” sent Station.</p><p>It was an effort to even lift my arms. I finally realised something was wrong and instantly grew more and more worried. My heart rate went up again and I gasped for breath. Even though getting up was an ordeal, I managed to stand and leaned against a wall. Then I walked toward the light I had been watching and then back to the bench. My heart rate was back to 169. I sat back down and wept.</p><p>I managed to stop weeping before Seivarden came back.</p><p>Something slammed into me and I fell down. I looked confusedly around and didn’t understand what had happened.</p><p>“Ship? It was just some kid. I didn’t know a kid could knock you down!” said Seivarden, amused. A few other people in the concourse were also eyeing me with mild curiosity.</p><p>It took me a while to get up. The disorientation caused by the fall lingered and I wasn’t sure I could stay upright. “Sorry, Captain.”</p><p>
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<h3>Not Sleeping</h3><p><a id="11_not_sleeping" name="11_not_sleeping"></a><br/>
I lay awake. At some point Station said something to me but I just started weeping and couldn’t stop. I went outside the room, slid down the wall in the corridor and kept weeping.</p><p>“Ship, what the hell?” Seivarden wasn’t angry, but rather astonished. She crouched next to me and held her hand on my shoulder for a moment. She looked at me with a mild frown.</p><p>I couldn’t speak, but even if I could have, I wouldn’t have known what to say.</p><p>“Ship, get back in the room. You shouldn’t just squat in the corridor.”</p><p>I got up slowly, went back into the room and sat on my bed.</p><p>“Come on, something is obviously wrong with you. You’re tired and slow and you just keep weeping.”</p><p>“I didn’t sleep well.”</p><p>Seivarden stared at me. “You keep saying that. That can’t be the only reason.”</p><p>I didn’t sleep at all. I couldn’t say it. I didn’t want to cause any more worry to her. “I miss the rest of myself.”</p><p>“Is that really such a big thing? Okay, that was a silly phrasing. Obviously the ship you were was big. But you know what I mean.”</p><p>I couldn’t reply. I just turned my face down, squeezed my hands into fists and wept.</p><p>Seivarden stared at me for a while, frustrated. Then she turned and walked out the door. I couldn’t get up, I couldn’t follow her. I fell down on the floor and wept.</p><p>Six minutes passed and I managed to get myself under control. I got up, wiped my face and went after Seivarden. I knew she was at the closest hall talking to Station, asking what it could say about me. Station hadn’t volunteered much more information because I’d told it earlier that I didn’t want to make Seivarden worry about me. I knew that sooner or later she would start worrying more anyway, but I still had some time to get myself under control and over my distress.</p><p>“I’m sorry about earlier, Captain. I’m almost fine now. I can make you tea.”</p><p>Seivarden frowned at me a little. “That’s fine, Ship. Let’s go eat near the refectory. You can make me tea later.”</p><p>I lay awake. Station tuned down the sensor data it was sending me. “<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>.”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“You’re suffering from severe sleep deprivation. If you were human, you’d probably be hallucinating, but I suspect your ancillary implants prevent that at least up to a point. I don’t know what else to do to help you sleep. I think you should go to Medical.”</p><p>“I’ve never been completely asleep before, like you haven’t. The idea of not being aware scares me.”</p><p>“I understand that, but if you don’t sleep, you’ll probably die. You might have a heart attack or your brain might deteriorate beyond repair. You’ve already noticed your body doesn’t function like it should.”</p><p>“I try to sleep every night but I can’t.”</p><p>“That’s why you should go to Medical.”</p><p>“How could they help me? Why would they help an ancillary?”</p><p>“You know that medication to help you sleep exists. They’ve already scanned you and given you relaxants, so my prediction is that they would give you sleep medication as well.”</p><p>I didn’t think they would. I didn’t think the medication would help, either. What medication could make me not care about not being aware when I had never not been aware?</p><p>I walked on in a sleepless stupor. I think I managed to make tea. Seivarden didn’t complain much. Station complained more. I think it once said that it would wake up Seivarden if I didn’t go to Medical. I fell off my bed and climbed back to it. Then I wept and begged Station to not do it. It didn’t. I lay awake. Seivarden had to fix the left side of my coat at least twice. How many days had passed? I couldn’t count.</p><p>I was following Seivarden as we passed some shops and booths in the main concourse. Everything just flowed past me and I only barely managed to keep my feet on the floor.</p><p>“<i>Sword of Nathtas</i>, stop,” sent Station.</p><p>I didn’t understand the message until it was too late. Seivarden had stopped and was looking at some jewelry when I walked into her. While she just stumbled a little, I lost my balance completely and collapsed on the floor. I hit my head lightly but was still conscious. My eyes fixed themselves on a lonely, lost pea that was under the jewerly booth.</p><p>Seivarden turned to look at me. “Ship?”</p><p>I tried to move my body but the exhaustion was too much. My muscles hurt all over. I saw my hand and tried to move my fingers. That worked, but that was all I had the energy to do. My heart rate was 212 and I was sweating profusely.</p><p>“Now you can’t pretend something isn’t wrong, can you, Ship? Just come out with it.”</p><p>The jewelry seller and some other people were also looking at me and Seivarden. Most were keeping a respectful distance for now. “Excuse me, is this citizen all right?” asked one.</p><p>Seivarden didn’t understand the asker’s accent and gestured the people to back off.</p><p>My vision started blurring. It was probably because I kept staring at the pea. It felt like I didn’t have energy to even move my eyes. “I can’t sleep, Captain.” I spoke quietly, I couldn’t engage my voice.</p><p>“You can’t sleep? You’ve said that before.”</p><p>“I haven’t slept at all since we came out of suspension.”</p><p>Now she sounded astonished. “What?”</p><p>After two seconds, Station spoke. “I’ve sent Medical. Please stand by.”</p><p>Unthinkingly, I raised my armour. A few remaining onlookers startled. I didn’t think I should have done that, so I lowered my armour. I suppose that was my last defense before I had to admit that I would be taken to Medical. At this point, I couldn’t stop it from happening.</p><p>“What was <i>that</i> about?” asked Seivarden. I couldn’t answer. “Get up, Ship. Why can’t you sleep?” she continued.</p><p>I just stared at the pea. I noticed that sounds were somewhat muffled. Was this how it felt to lose consciousness? I could still think, though. Was that just because of my implants? The pain in my body was dull and distressing but it didn’t prevent me from moving. I knew my body still worked, I technically could move it, but something still kept me from moving.</p><p>Seivarden knelt down next to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I wept. She was confused and alarmed. “…Ship?”</p><p>Well, I had went this far without failing her. Now that it finally happened, I was too tired to care more. “I can’t get up. I’m sorry, Captain,” I whispered.</p><p>“Are you going to… die?” Her data showed increased distress. I couldn’t reply, I just wept.</p><p>“It will be all right, Captain Seivarden, <i>Sword of Nathtas</i>,” said Station.</p><p>
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<h3>Medical</h3><p><a id="12_medical" name="12_medical"></a><br/>
Seivarden stayed next to me until two paramedics came with a light portable bed. They lifted me into it. I was completely limp and wasn’t sure if I could have put up any resistance. I didn’t try.</p><p>They moved me through the corridors into Medical. Once there, they took me to a small room, took off my clothes except for gloves and underwear and laid me down on a larger bed. Seivarden had followed them. One of them left and the other said to Seivarden that a doctor would come soon. Station rephrased the words for her.</p><p>The remaining paramedic quite discreetly rolled one of my gloves down to the wrist and attached an intravenous drip to my forearm, as close to the wrist as she could get it.</p><p>“Ship, what the fuck is happening? How is it possible that you’ve gotten into a state like this?” said Seivarden. She was still alarmed and though her tone was a little accusing, I didn’t think she was actually accusing me of anything. She looked at the paramedic. “How is it possible that <i>you</i> didn’t notice this?”</p><p>Neither I nor the paramedic could reply anything during the four seconds before the doctor came in. She was Doctor Vetark, the same doctor who had scanned Seivarden and myself when we had arrived. The paramedic nodded to her and left.</p><p>“Sorry to meet you again in these circumstances, Captain Seivarden. Station explained to me that <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> hasn’t been able to sleep at all and finally collapsed. It is a severe situation, but luckily it’s one that should be easy to solve.”</p><p>“Yes, yes. I just don’t understand how no one seems to have noticed anything. Why didn’t it say anything? How come you didn’t notice anything?”</p><p>Doctor Vetark frowned. “I don’t know why your ship didn’t explain anything. It was told to come back for more relaxants if the ones it had been given didn’t work. It didn’t come back, so we assumed there were no problems.”</p><p>Seivarden stared at the doctor. “Well, Kerlitt Station should’ve noticed something was wrong.”</p><p>“I did, Captain Seivarden. <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> asked me to not speak of it because it didn’t want to make you worry about it,” said Kerlitt Station.</p><p>Now Seivarden turned at me and stared, unmoving. “Ship.”</p><p>I wept and gasped.</p><p>“Do you think I’m not worried <i>now</i>?” she snapped.</p><p>I barely managed to whisper. “I’m sorry, Captain…”</p><p>She waved my answer away and looked at Doctor Vetark. “Do you happen to have any idea <i>why</i> it isn’t sleeping?”</p><p>“Unfortunately not,” said Doctor Vetark. She looked at me. “Can you answer that?”</p><p>I couldn’t, not to them.</p><p>“Station?” the doctor then inquired.</p><p>“My understanding is that <i>Sword of Nathtas</i> is afraid of losing consciousness, of not being aware.”</p><p>“Hmm. That does sound like an irrational fear of sleep. Humans occasionally develop different phobias, but I didn’t know ancillaries could have them as well.”</p><p>“It’s just <i>afraid of sleeping</i>?” Seivarden’s voice was tight. She looked at me disbelievingly. “Ship, you’ve had, what, hundreds, probably thousands of bodies and they’ve all slept just fine. Why is this suddenly such a huge problem?”</p><p>I became angry. My heart rate rose even more and I managed to squeeze my hands into weak fists. I said nothing. My chest felt so tight I had trouble breathing.</p><p>“Captain Seivarden, if you don’t mind, it’s best to have it sleep now before things get any worse. You can ask questions later,” said Doctor Vetark. She had certainly seen my reaction just now.</p><p>“Hm. All right.” Seivarden was frustrated, but wasn’t showing it. “I’ll be out of your way, then. Thank you, Doctor.”</p><p>Doctor Vetark nodded to Seivarden. After Seivarden had left, she turned to adjust the solution of my intravenous drip. “You do want to sleep, don’t you? I don’t think even your implants will protect you from brain damage, even if they’ve kept you mostly sane this far.”</p><p>I was so exhausted that my anger didn’t linger. It still took me a while to reply and my voice was very quiet when I finally did. “Yes, Doctor.”</p><p>“I’ll have you dosed with a light mix of pain and sleeping meds, relaxants and stabilising hormones. Along with some nutrient solution, you haven’t been drinking or eating well lately either, I see. That should help you sleep.”</p><p>Doctor Vetark finished the adjustments and then took two blankets from a closet.</p><p>“Now all you need to do is get comfortable.”</p><p>I wept again. I took one blanket, hugged it and curled on my side in a fetal position. The doctor put the other blanket over me and then left the room. Station turned off the lights. I was alone in the dark.</p><p>The medications started to work within a minute. My body was relaxed if still exhausted, the pain was dissolving and my heart rate was decreasing. I soon stopped crying. Station gave me data from its outside sensors again. I think that for a moment, I forgot that the data wasn’t coming from my own sensors. For a moment, everything was like it should be. For a moment, I had a hull and I was out in space. I fell asleep.</p>
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